Raise your hand if you have ever been through a friendship breakup. Or blocked a family member or longtime friend on social media over a polarizing political view. Or labeled somebody as “toxic” then completely wrote them off.
Last week, I talked about the word “should”, and how we commonly use that word to internalize expectations we have about ourselves and how we should be living. If left unchecked, this can result in repetitive shame cycles that affect how we view ourselves. This week we are exploring how grudges can form from the expectations we project onto OTHERS, and how it affects our conflict resolution.
We’re going to take a look at the source of conflict, how it is tied to expectations, how it can turn into a grudge, and how to forgive without waiting for an apology.
Buckle up because there is a lot we are going to unpack here today!
Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?
A conflict is fundamentally a clash in expectations. The expectations we carry with us throughout life are as unique as our DNA. Although we share core values in our society to function effectively (honesty, integrity, respect, etc.), these values are not as universal as we may believe.
Picture each value as a trunk of a tree. Every expectation we have tied to that value are the numerous branches stemming from the tree. Our interactions with the world around us help us determine whether these expectations are fruitful for our lives.
Think about the value of love, for instance. How we expect to be loved and how we love on others widely varies between person to person. These expectations are dynamic, and come from a lifetime of experiences. I mean think about it…do you still view relationships and marriage the same way you did when you were in high school? Even if you married your high school sweetheart, I guarantee your expectations have been overhauled at least once since then!
What about parenting? Each of us comes into their role as a parent with varying expectations. I for one know that I came into motherhood with lofty expectations! I can now look back and laugh on how malformed my expectations were due to my lack of experience. Through humility, lots of learning experiences, and a big bucket of grace, my parenting expectations are constantly under revision in a ‘draft’ form phase!
We all face a point in our lives where we need to ‘prune’ or trim back our expectations to form new ones that are fruitful for our lives. That is a huge part of the human experience, and how we process life!
Expectations are not a bad thing. That is why I am not titling this post as “Say No to Expectations.” That’s like titling the post “Say No to Breathing.” It’s impossible to eradicate expectations.
But you know what else is impossible? Asking somebody else to completely align their lives around your expectations. Because the expectations we carry through life are as unique as our fingerprints. Our expectations aren’t always going to completely align, which is why conflict is the unavoidable reality of being human.
How We Process Conflict
When faced with any conflict, our fight or flight instinct immediately kicks in. Think of the last reality show you watched. Just about every reality show features a conflict at some point. This conflict usually erupts into a screaming or physical altercation. That is how I remember conflicts such as friendship breakups were processed before smartphones or social media became widespread. Some of us didn’t even have texting as an option on our phones let alone messenger apps. Why send an angry text with the limited text messages you have when it is more effective to talk it out with the person??
Today most of us default to the latter, flight, because technology makes it so easy for us to do. If you are angry with somebody, it’s easier just to remove them from the group chat. You can unfollow them. ‘Ghost’ them. In tougher conflicts, you may even choose to simply block them.
It’s amazing and completely ironic that these tools that were created to connect us (social media, texting, etc.) also have SO many options to essentially shun people from your life! We default to it because it’s so much easier than addressing and resolving the conflict to begin with. We tell ourselves that we are taking control of our lives and freeing ourselves from “toxic” people. But in reality, this behavior simply enables us to pretend the conflict doesn’t even exist, take no responsibility, and shelve it to the back of our minds.
That may work for a little bit, but does that truly bring us peace? Eventually our online selves merge with our offline selves, and there comes a time where we must interact face to face. And when we do, sometimes it makes our interactions tense, forced, and awkward. Why? Because that conflict you put in the back shelf of your mind morphed into something far more sinister…a grudge.
The Connection Between Grudges and Expectations
So how do you know if you are holding a grudge or not?
It may look like this:
- They should have remembered my birthday.
- They should be more supportive of my health journey.
- They should not have gossiped about me.
- They should know voting for that person is not a good idea.
- They should apologize first.
If you read my post from last week on saying no to shame, you probably already notice the pattern here…
SHOULD. Again, we need to stop ‘shoulding’ all over ourselves!!!
Let’s take a look at those statements again and explore what the true expectations are tied to these statements…
- “They should have remembered my birthday.” (I expect my loved ones to be thoughtful and caring because I also would like to think of myself as a thoughtful and caring person that never misses my loved one’s birthdays).
- “They should be more supportive of my health journey.” (I expect my friends and family to mutually support my dreams and desire to better myself. I would like to think of myself as being a supportive friend that encourages others to reach their highest potential).
- “They should not have gossiped about me.” (I expect my friends and family to be trustworthy and to see the best parts of me even in my worst moments. I would like to think of myself as being kind, trustworthy, and dependable).
- “They should know voting for that person is not a good idea.” (I expect my friends’ and family’s political views to align with mine because it helps me feel validated in my choices. I would like to think that I am quick to offer validation to my loved ones when they need it the most).
- “They should apologize first.” (I expect my loved ones to admit their wrongdoing right away because I would also like to think that I am a person of integrity that owns up to my mistakes right away).
Care. Support. Trust. Validation. Integrity. These are all values we hold dear that are the foundation of our expectations. But each of us models these values differently throughout our lives.
Here’s the thing. You were hurt. You were disappointed by their behavior. The people you thought you knew majorly let you down.
But you want to know the good news? That moment has passed and you survived. The pain is contained within that moment that they let you down. By holding a grudge, you are actively choosing to relive and carry the weight of that momentary pain with you for potentially the rest of your life. That is not the way to live, friends.
Take the story of Jesus. Jesus was the most perfect man to ever walk the Earth. His life was pure, and He only ever expressed loving kindness for others. But still, as kind, perfect, and gentle as he was, he eventually was betrayed, mocked, and beaten.
The good news is that Jesus did not hold a grudge over humanity over this betrayal, and His message of forgiveness and redemption is still true and important to this day.
If we look at expectations as being dynamic rather than fixed, perhaps we need to be more forgiving in our expectations of others. We can never ask more of a person than to be their authentic selves.
Forgiveness Does Not Equal Reconciliation
This is a new realization that I have recently come to terms with. I crave harmony in my life, and often viewed forgiveness in the past as resolving hurt feelings from both sides and coming to a loving compromise. As perfect as that sounds, as I age and gain more experience with conflicts and forgiveness, I have realized that some conflicts are not worth reconciling. And that’s ok. You can still forgive someone without even saying a word to the other person.
Adults are way less open about conflict than say, a child. If a child is angry with another child for stealing his toy, he/she lets the other child know immediately and then they move on. However, when adults are wronged, we tend to internalize it and handle it in a more passive aggressive way. This can happen for many reasons. Maybe we don’t feel like we can fully articulate the reason why we are upset. Maybe it is too scary to admit out loud. We might not even fully understand why we are upset to begin with, but something feels off.
Whether or not to reconcile depends on the individual situation, your relationship with that person, and history.
I absolutely love the quote, “If someone treats you like they don’t care about you, believe them.” I use this as a barometer when I evaluate my own relationships in life, and whether a friendship is worth salvaging.
Here are a few other red flags to consider before reconciling:
- You feel drained, depleted, moody, and worse about yourself every time you interact with that person.
- Competitive behavior from the other person that puts you both in a lose-lose position. Constantly comparing and contrasting their life with yours.
- Narcissistic tendencies where the conversation is dominated by the other person due to need for constant validation and attention.
- You aren’t being mutually accepted nor heard. (This makes it extremely hard to reconcile.)
- You feel like you can’t be your authentic self around that person, and that you need to be someone entirely different to earn their love and praise.
- Hostile environment where you are walking on eggshells to not set the other person off.
In short, if someone is a constant stumbling block to you and creates chaos and internal turmoil, it may be time to respectfully wish them well and move on.
So What Does Forgiveness Look Like?
Here are a few ideas how you can express forgiveness for another person even if formal reconciliation isn’t on the table:
1. Find something to be grateful for in the other person. I know that this can be challenging (especially if the hurt is still fresh in your mind). But chances are that it wasn’t ALL bad before this. Think back on a time that you had a nice gathering together. Were they good at making you laugh? Did they tell really good stories? Did they offer a great piece of advice to you that you still treasure?
Grudge stopper: When we find the good in others and express gratitude, it’s hard to stay in a negative mindset. Empathy lays the groundwork for forgiveness.
2. Write an Open Letter or Journal. I am a big fan of this. Sometimes when I struggle with an issue, it helps to get my feelings down where I am free to write whatever I want without judgement. What you write down may completely surprise you.
Grudge stopper: Naming what is bothering you is cathartic and is important for both clarity and healing.
3. Talk to someone. Invite a trusted friend to grab coffee. Talk to your small group. Talk with a therapist. That conversation could look like ,”I’m facing a tough situation, and would like some honest feedback.” You may just leave that conversation with a whole different perspective on the issue you are facing.
Grudge stopper: Understanding perspective from a different source helps you to look at the issue more objectively without an emotional lens clouding your judgement.
Why Forgiveness Matters
Forgiveness is ultimately the way to stopping grudges from controlling your life. As my husband likes to frequently remind me, “You cannot control and therefore are not responsible for what others think or say. But you do have control over how much you let that influence your life.”
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to spend my remaining days on Earth feeling bitter, resentful, and spiteful. I want to live out my days with joy, peace, and grace. If we allow grudges to dominate our thoughts, that choice only serves as a distraction from the many blessings before us.
Say no to waiting for an apology. Say no to avoiding attending a fun event just because that person may be there. Say no to being spiteful by thinking that humiliating or isolating the other person is going to give you validation. Say no to being passive aggressive and stooping to a low standard. In short, don’t let anger influence your life.
Forgiveness is freedom. Live free.
