When it comes to the holiday season, there is a lot of shame surrounding what we should and should not be doing. ESPECIALLY when it comes to health and wellness. I myself am 100% guilty of doing this to myself. It looks a lot like this..
- “I should not have consumed that much Halloween candy in one sitting.”
- “I should have eaten less desserts during Friendsgiving.”
- “My microwave recently burned out so I have been eating more fast food than I should be.”
Shame. Shame. SHAME. Shame is absolutely prolific in our culture. Mom shaming. Body shaming. The pandemic alone ushered in a momentous level of shaming. But here’s the thing…these shame statements don’t serve us in any way. In fact, shame is one of the most insidious, destructive emotions we face on a day to day basis. Worse yet…shame can be CONTAGIOUS. Ewww!
Recognize Shame Before Shame Recognizes You
Notice a pattern between the shame statements I listed above? If not, let’s take a look at those again.
- “I should not have consumed that much Halloween candy in one sitting.”
- “I should have eaten less desserts during Friendsgiving.”
- “My microwave recently burned out so I have been eating more fast food than I should be.”
Shame statements almost always start with “I should” or “I should not”. We do this to ourselves everyday sometimes without even being conscious of it. But my friends…today I want nothing more than to grab you by the shoulders, shake you, and say “STOP ‘SHOULDING’ ALL OVER YOURSELF!!”
Comparison is the perfect catalyst to conjure up shame, and bring these “should” statements to the forefront of your mind. If you think I’m kidding, go scroll through your Newsfeed on your social media platform of choice for 5 minutes. I guarantee you that thoughts like these will pop up in your head at least once…
- “I should have my Christmas shopping done by now.”
- “I should get back to working out.”
- “I should be more organized.”
- “I should start a side hustle.”
- “I should have taken family pictures this fall.”
It goes on. And on. AND ON! But I want to take a look at those shame statements again. And this time, let’s look at what we are really feeling behind those words.
- “I should have my Christmas shopping done by now.” (I feel like I am constantly behind, and am going to fail at giving my family the Christmas they deserve).
- “I should get back to working out. ” (I wish I looked as good in my clothes as she does).
- “I should be more organized.” (I often feel overwhelmed at home because I can’t find anything, and it’s making me lose my patience with my family).
- “I should start a side hustle.” (I want to be as successful as she is, but I feel like I’m falling short).
- “I should have taken family pictures this fall.” (I worry that I’m not creating enough memories with my children).
These are hard things to admit but they are so real. It’s the thoughts we struggle with in isolation on a day to day basis that silently break us down into smaller versions of ourselves. We don’t dare bring these thoughts out of the darkness because we want so desperately to seem put together and confident. We want to be ENOUGH.
I am writing this post today to remind you that YOU ARE ENOUGH. I’m going to give you some tools to help break out of the shame cycle, and reframe this destructive emotion into constructive action steps for your life.
Reframe Your Shame
A “positive vibes only” lifestyle is aspirational, but it is also not real life. We all struggle with tough emotions because we are human. Give yourself permission to observe these emotions for what they are, and reframe them in a manner that serves you and others.
When you find yourself spiraling with shame and feeling unworthy, here are some strategies you can use today to help break out of the cycle.
1. Identify the Source: Why are you suddenly feeling this way? What prompted this shame statement from you? Where were you? Who were you with?
Shame Stopper: When you are able to pinpoint the source of where the shame came from, you can better recognize your triggers and take steps towards creating a healthier environment in the future.
Note: The answer may surprise you. Perhaps it is a friend or family member that makes you feel cast aside or less than. Or that you have to fight to feel noticed, heard, or loved. You may feel drained after interacting with this person. You may wonder if you should be a completely different person to feel loved and worthy in their eyes. Identifying this is critical to building healthy relationships in the future. Remember that you can’t control how others feel, but you can always choose your response, and how/when to engage with that person.
2. Take a Step Back: Step away from social media. Go outside and take a 10 minute walk. Listen to an uplifting podcast or Audiobook. Read your Bible. Pray. Take a break from engaging with that person.
Shame Stopper: Taking a step back and having a change of scenery can bring on new clarity to what you are actually feeling.
3. Give Shame a Name: Lean in to your community. Talk with your spouse. Ask a friend to go to coffee. Reach out to your Mom group. Tell your small group what it is you are struggling with. Bring these feelings of unworthiness out from the darkness. Don’t struggle with them alone in isolation.
If that feels too scary, start with writing an open letter to the person or thing that made you feel unworthy. There is power from bringing these issues into the light. What flows from your pen to your paper may completely surprise you.
Shame Stopper: There is power bringing your issues into the light amongst your community that loves you and wants to see you succeed. We weren’t made to do life alone.
4. Take Action: Reframe shame statements into action steps you can take in your own life. I personally love replacing “I should” with “Next time I will”. It builds personal accountability and puts the ball back in your court. Treat it like a promise, and follow through!
For example, instead of saying “I should not have eaten so much dessert.” say instead “Next time I will eat a full plate of vegetables before I look at the dessert table.”
Shame Stopper: Break free from destructive thought patterns through tangible goals and actions.
Pouring From An Empty Cup
You may be thinking, “What is the harm in internalizing shame? We all feel insecure from time to time…why say them out loud? Eventually these feelings will go away on their own with time.”
Our beliefs make up our identity and who we are. The truth is that we don’t internalize how we feel about ourselves forever. What we feel about ourselves is very much connected in how we treat others and interact with the world around us. When we come from a place of unworthiness, eventually we seek to make others feel the same. So we shame others. And that bitterness and shame destroys families and friendships. It shatters loving communities and creates division.
We can’t effectively pour into others when we come from a perspective of lack. That’s why what we say matters…even when it comes to what we say to ourselves on a daily basis.
Say no to shame, and instead say yes to love and kindness. Both to yourself and others. This kind of love overflows continuously from the peace and joy of simply being enough.
"No"vember #Noshame Health blogger Kettlebelle Kettlebellefitness Kettlebellefitnessblog No Shame
